Chica Bella

Determined to Stay Healthy

2009-08-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

I must stay in recovery. I must. Last night was a close call. I haven't felt that dark in a very long time. But I have to remember all the reasons why I committed myself to not living an anorexic life anymore. Reading the old posts on this blog is hard. It tempts me, but it also makes me sad, realizing the depth of the self hatred, and now realizing that I deserve better from myself.

I need to let myself off the hook at some point. I made mistakes. I still make mistakes. I just made a huge one yesterday. M said she isn't mad at me. I NEED to believe her. I triggered her accidentally. It was unintentional, and she knows that. She has moved onwards, it's me that can't let it go. Fuck.

Hmm, I wonder why I can't stop thinking about C. It's not as if he is my typical type. But I can't help it. My goodness. There is so much to think about. Tonight a group of us are going to EH. It is going to be me, C, K, M, S, L, and a friend or two of C's. Should be interesting. We'll see if I can get drunk enough to convince myself to make a move lol :)

2009-03-03T19:48:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lxbcPwRuj4&feature=channel

OH MY GOD. You need to watch this. It's 6 parts. This girl (as an experiment) cuts to 500 cals a day for 2 months. It's so funny watching her try to be eating disordered! I feel bad for her kind of. Like she's a weak person. I do feel a bit better though because at the end her BMI is 19...same as mine! And I did it with WAY more strength then she did lol. <3

Doctors...blechhh

2009-03-03T14:46:00.000-08:00

So I went to my primary care physician yesterday. I got weighed and had blood tests and all that shit. Luckily my pulse was 71 beats per minute so I didn't have to get an EKG. Haven't gotten the blood test results yet but I was tested for magnesium, calcium, potassium...etc.

The weight, though, it FREAKED ME OUT. The appt. was at 2:30. I was wearing clothes and shoes. I weighed in at 115 lbs. GROSS I AM SUCH A FUCKING FAT COW. My BMI is currently 19. NOrmal, but the doctor was like, it's really low, yadda yadda yadda. Whatever. I have been taking like 10 or more green tea pills per day. Bought some more at Rite Aid for $6! :)

Today I was being so good...woke up at 7. Had coffee w/ Truvia at 8. Had raisins at 9:30 for laxative effect. Worked. Then had green tea. Then I messed up. I ate 120 cals worth of bread. and then I was like, oh, I should have some mango. And then I ate CHOCOLATE CHIPS. AGAIN. GRRRRR. So I'm at like 300 cals today. and it's not even 3 pm. FUCK.

Skipped dinner last night at least. Hopefully I will do that again tonight. Dad threatened me with a feeding tube last night and mom was like, "This has got to stop, Clare." Well they can go to hell. I'm not fucking stopping. I weigh 115 lbs for crying out loud! I'm so fat and disgusting. I seriously wanted to cry when I look in the mirror. Thje sad thing is, I remember when 115 was my goal weight. And now 115 is fat to me. Not sure what I think about that. Oh. And my period is late again and I keep getting chest pains. And you know what? That makes me happy. Because it MUST mean I'm getting thinner, right?

:(

2009-02-19T17:16:00.001-08:00

Already off the day's plan, but only 215 cals so far. I'm FREAKING OUT about going to outpatient tomorrow. FREAKING OUT.

I don't think I'm going to be able to eat anything else tonight or tomorrow morning. I'm just so scared that They will look at me and laugh because I'm too fat to have an ED.

Food Rules

2009-02-19T08:33:00.000-08:00

Safe Foods (permission to eat):

-rice cakes
-lettuce
-carrots
-tomato
-apples
-berries
-green tea
-diet soda
-broccoli
-green beans
-peas
-asparagus
-zucchini
-grapes
-pineapple
-low cal soup
-spray dessing
-splenda (in black coffee)
-honey
-instant oatmeal
-nonfat yogurt
-sugarfree gum
-WATER
-sugarfree jello

Forbidden foods (AVOID AT ALL COSTS):

-ice cream
-donuts
-cake
-pie
-cookies
-hamburger
-pizza
-fried chicken
-french fries
-mashed or baked potatoes
-cheese
-cream sauces
-pasta
-tortilla chips
-potato chips
-regular salad dressing
-sugar
-whipped cream
-granola bars
-candy
-marshmallows
-sandwiches
-peanut butter
-milk
-cereal
-sushi
-bread
-popcorn
-regular soda
-butter
-fruit juice

If a food isn't listed on either of these lists, avoid if possible, but may eat sparingly and without major punishment. Haha you don't have to kieep to this, but this is my list
<3

Urgh, arguments

2009-02-19T08:26:00.000-08:00

So I'm saying the hell with you to my parents. Basically I am talking openly about my ed behavior. I'm refusing to eat stuff, and I have lists posted of forbidden foods and safe foods, etc. They are kind of freaking out. But whatever. It's my life. My body. And I don't want to let go of my ed. Unfortunately I do have to go to op on Friday. Yikes. But I'm going to walk in there and say straight up that I don't want to recover.

So, yesterday I had:

-rice cake (35 cals)
-salad w/ plain chicken, no dressing (150 cals)
-salad, no dressing and meat sauce (but no pasta lol) (150 cals)
-frozen berries (40 cals)

daily total: 375 cals...YAY! I needed to be low to make up for gross days of almost 800. BLECH.

So today my food plan is...

10:30 AM: frozen berries (40 cals)
12:30 PM: sweet potato (plain, steamed) (80 cals)
3:30 PM: rice cake (35 cals)
6:30 PM: dinner (200 cals or under)
9:00 PM: frozen fruit (40 cals)

So if I manage to stick to that, my daily total for today SHOULD be around 395. Wish me luck??

More and more self-hatred

2009-02-16T22:38:00.000-08:00

So tonight I binged...not majorly (my daily intake was still only 590) but still, I binged. I felt so gross. Once again I was bent over the toilet with a toothbrush down my throat, and once again I had no luck. I swear if I could only purge...sigh.

Anyways, I did exercise for 2 hours tonight, so maybe that made up for it a little bit.

Had a VERY interesting discussion with my friend KR today. She told me she never stopped purging. That she just started restricting to 500 cals a day. Part of me was scared for her - I mean, I know the hell where I start crying because I ate an apple. But the other half of me was so...HAPPY. Like I have a partner in crime. We are going to go buy diet pills on Friday. I'm so so so excited. Also I need to find a way to buy a cheap scale and hide it in my room. I NEED A SCALE. Seriously.

At the doctor today I weighed in at 114 lbs. EW. 14 pounds to lose...I think. I wonder now if 100 lbs will be enough. Maybe I should shoot for 95?

Liquids

2009-02-13T11:37:00.000-08:00

So I'm starting a liquid fast. And I think I'm going to be honest with my aprents about it. Just be like, I'm not eating. Fucking deal with it. Bad idea? Probably. But I frankly don't give a shit.

I cut myself today for the 1st time in a month and a half. Over 1/2 cup of chocolate chips. That's insane. It's got to stop. So, I won't eat anything. Liquids and chew and spit are the only things on the menu today! :)

Off to get some green tea and diet pills <3

:/

2009-02-12T11:42:00.000-08:00

Well...so I've eaten 230 calories today. Dammit. I feel so full and disgusting and just all around GROSS. That's it for me today. I'm not eating anything else. Watch though, I'll be a failure again like I am at everything else and do some major fucking binge. Sigh. I seriously wish I could wire my mouth shut.

OK day...

2009-02-11T20:21:00.000-08:00

669 calories total today. More then I had wanted to have, but still...I'm pretty proud of being able to restrict so much when my parents know about my eating disorder and are monitoring me. I'm so glad we live on a hill! SUPER convenient for dumping food of the deck lol.

So I only have tomorrow before I get weighed at the outpatient clinic. I'm assuming I'm going to get weighed....whatever. The point is, if I'm going to be in a place with other girls who have eating disorders, I can't be this fat!!! I will stay under 300 cals tomorrow. Or else. Now I just have to find a scale tomorrow morning. Fuck.

Ana is BACK

2009-02-11T08:40:00.000-08:00

OK, so I'm getting all ready to go into outpatient on Friday, and Ana has coem back with a vengence. I'm seriously worse than I've been in three weeks. I skipped breakfast 2 days ago and only had lettuce for lunch. With dinner that day, my daily total was 500 cals. Then yesterday I ate 130 cals for breakfast, 190 for lunch and had dinner. So about 600 total. But then...i ate ice cream. FUCK. So I found myself on the floor in front of the toilet with my finger (and then a toothbrush) down my throat. Nothing. Fuck the god who made me without a gag reflex. So then I exercised majorily last night. So I'm in horrible pain this morning. And I made a bowl of cereal in front of my dad and then dumped it off my deck. I'm planning on not eating until dinner.

I HAVE TO GET TO 100 LBS. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT RECOVERY. I'm actually thinking that I just keep doing Ana. See how much I lose. (hopefully I will lose 15 lbs, to get me to 100 lbs!) They can fucking stick me in residential if they want to. They can't make me stop. I know I said I wanted my life back, but I feel like eating is just taking my life and my control over my life away from me, not giving it back. I will shrink away to beautiful bones. Ana has given me the strength I need once again to get beautiful...beautifully SKINNY!!!!!

I'm so scared for February 13th

2009-02-09T09:49:00.000-08:00

OK, so not only is Feb. 13th a Friday (unlucky, anyone??) I have my first appointment with an eating disorder outpatient clinic that day. Jesus Christ, I am so scared. I wrote out this list of pros and cons of going, so I'll share them with you.

PROS:
I want to be able to have kids someday
I don't want to disappoint everyone
I'm tired of hating myself
I wish I wasn't scared of gaining weight
I wish I didn't feel guilty for eating
I'm afraid of going off to college and getting really bad with no one to supervise
The voice is getting louder
I want my life back

CONS:
I'm too fat for treatment
I will have to gain and maintain weight
I might disappoint people by relapsing
I will continue to not be able to see my ribs anymore
I will see other girls with EDs and be jealous that they are thinner
What if it doesn't work?
I will have to face painful issues
I will have to give up control
I will lose the only identity i currently have

So I don't really have a choice. I mean, I'm going. But I skipped breakfast today. And I want to skip lunch. If I have to eat I'll do salad with nothing on it. But seriously. I'm getting worse again. I weighed myself for the first time in over 3 weeks. I snuck over to K's house and used her scale since my parents won't tell me where they hid ours. It said 115. FUCKKKKK. That means I've gained 6 lbs. EW. I AM A FUCKING COW. I WANT TO GET BECK TO 109. I WANT TO GO UNDER 109. NO ONE CAN MAKE ME EAT GODDAMMIT. I'M GOING TO RESTRICT AGAIN.

Recovery is bullshit!

2009-02-03T10:01:00.000-08:00

The reason I haven't written in so long is because I have been trying to recover. I realized that the scale wasn't lying, that I was really 109. Since I grew an inch and was now 5'5", 109 was underweight for my height. I fessed up to my therapist and my parents. Fuck.

I decided to try and recover on my own. No ED clinics, inpatient or outpatient. I am now up to around 116. My parents hid the scale. It's gone. I've torn apart the house looking for it. No luck. The only reason I have that estimate is because I was weighed at the doctor. But with shoes and clothes on and after breakfast and lunch. NO clue if I'm fatter by now.

But I am tired of recovery. I'm supposedly getting healthy, but I feel disgusting. I fucking hate my body. I can't see my ribs very clearly. I want them back. I want full-fledged Ana back. Ana is screaming at me all the time now, look what you did, you told and now you're eating 3 meals a day every day and you're getting OBESE.

I have to find a scale. I need to find a way to get diet pills. And I need to get to 100 pounds.

I don't want to do an outpatient clinic. I want to escape from my life. I want to go inpatient. But I'm too fat for that. Way too fat. 116????? FUCK. And my insurance wants me to try and fail at an outpatient deal before they will cover inpatient. And guess what? I don't want recovery anymore. Why? it's bullshit. All it's doing is making me FAT.

Thinspo and questions

2009-01-04T11:41:00.000-08:00

So when I woke up at home this morning I ran and went to the bathroom, took off all my clothes and got on the scale. It said....109. I got off, reset it, and got on again. Still said 109. It's lying to me. I'm still so fat! Why the hell is it saying 109 whith the amount of binging that happened over the holidays. Yeah, I upped my exercises, but not that much more. If I'm 109 which is supposed to be the "ideal" (i.e. unattainable celebrity standard) then why the hell don't I look like these girls?

Coming home is scary

2009-01-04T11:38:00.000-08:00

I’m writing this on the plane and will post as soon as I get home. I’m not really sure how I feel about coming back to California. I hope that, at the very least, I will be able to keep up with the needs of my Ana with greater ease. Jesus was it difficult over the holidays! I would be forced to eat in front of my family. Then I would feel incredibly guilty. Then I would either cut, binge, or binge and cut. I was like, I was already fat and useless so I may as well binge as punishment. It serves me right. Ana has high standards and I am constantly disappointing her. I wish I was a better person in that respect.

So the thing I’m looking forward to the most is…MY SCALE! Being without a scale has been hell. I feel like I must be back at about 120. Fuck. As long as I am 115 or under I won’t cut. But if I am over 115 I must cut as punishment because I was 114.5 when I left. I must really be secretive. And that brings me to the devastating news.

I was stupid. I broke Ana’s #1 rule: I told my cousin E about Ana and cutting. I don’t know what came over me! We were sharing a room and it was all so hard to hide. She promised she wouldn’t tell…at first. Last night we were getting ready for bed and she said she was going to tell. FUCK. I’m so mad at her but I’m pretending that I’m not. She says she doesn’t know yet when she will tell or who she will tell. I asked her to give me a month and to warn me before she tells. If she keeps her word (please Lord, please) that means I have to get down to 100 lbs. in a month. Impossible! I’m going to have to be stealthy and really try and fast as much as possible. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I don’t know any other word to say.

Life is Hell

2008-12-28T17:05:00.000-08:00

God help me. I'm obsessively binging. I ams tuffing food in my mouth without knowing what i'm doing. I used to love Christmas. Now I hate it. I hate holidays. I want to be thin. I'm terrified that I'm going to get fat. Obese. Huge.

Help

2008-12-20T15:50:00.000-08:00

Fuck fuck fuck. This has to be short so I don't get caught.

There is no scale at my grandma's house. NO SCALE!!!! I'm going insane.

Everyone is all up my ass about eating 24/7.

I feel disgusting, fat, and like a waste of space - and believe me I'm taking up a lot of space.

I cut myself again last night.

HELP!!!!!

I just want to go home now that I'm here, but when I was home all I wanted was to come here.

Thin

2008-12-16T19:02:00.000-08:00

I just watched the HBO documentary "Thin" for the second time. It's crazy, because I totally identify with those women. Everything that they're saying makes so much sense. Some of the women (like Jennifer) had been struggling with their ED for ten years!! I can't imagine being in this hell for that long. Wow. I've really been thinking a lot about treatment lately and researching different facilities online. There are so many options. I want to go into a residential program at some point, but I NEED to get to my GW of 100 lbs first!!!! Is that crazy? I want help but only after I've lost a certain amount of weight? (14.5 more lbs to lose as of this morning) It's a control thing again. I know that in recovery I will lose my control over my ED (or at least the control I THINK I have) and I want to be in control right to the point of walking in the doors of treatment.

I lied to my mom today, said I had gained weight and was back at 120 to get her off my freaking back. She believed me thank god. I also had therapy with CD today...we talked about control, but no mention of food. I'm not telling her. Because ana is MINE. I know I've said that before, but I really feel like it is the only constant in my life. I can't let go of that.

I leave for my grandma's house in the morning. My biggest fear is...WHAT IF SHE DOESN'T HAVE A SCALE????? Holy shit I would take drastic measures if that were the case. But anyways, J and I are doing a 2323. Today was 200...I went 21 calories over. Mad at myself, but ok with it to some point. As soon as I get to my grandma's house it will be easy to hide my ED in the chaos that 14 people make around a dinner table. And I will NOT be sitting next to or near my parents, I guarantee you that! :)

Maybe I will allow myself one special treat on Christmas. One. Maybe. If I've been good.

I have this crazy plan. I will set my alarm for 4:30 am. I'll get up and go for a run, come back, get a shower, and say I couldn't sleep that's why I was up so early. Then when I'm hurting so bad I can't walk (inevitable due to the consequences of running when my body can't take the strain) I get to have meals brought to my room where I can C&S and hide the food instead of eating! Yay!

We'll see how that plays out...

Urrgg...Can't Purge :(

2008-12-15T23:24:00.000-08:00

So as the title mentions, I cannot purge. I tried three times today! Nothing. I get so frustrated with myself.

So today was supposed to be a liquid fast (tea, water, grapefruit juice). Of course, my mom ruined that. My cousin HG had a day off so the three of us went for tea. Tea (of course) involves fruit and pastries and sandwiches...and the place we went to had a flat rate of $25 per person. My mom saw me just drinking tea and she was like, umm I'm paying a lot of money...EAT FOOD! So I did. Guilt central. I felt so fat! How many days in a row is this that I've messed up????

HG said I needed to gain weight. I smiled on the inside thinking that she was fucking delusional. She's so tiny...she weighs 100 lbs! I swear she's my real-life thinspiration. But then I made a mistake: I let slip that I have lost a total of 27 lbs. SHIT!!!!!!!!! I'm going to have to come up with some clever lie to explain that one...I hate lying. They keep piling up and getting more and more complicated.

I had been so excited because my AM weight was 111 lbs. I was seriously hyperventilating when I got on the scale for my PM weight, but I only went up one pound, to 112 lbs. I'm relieved that that is the extent of the damage.

I.MUST. GET. TO. ONE. HUNDRED. POUNDS.

Jesus Christ I'm so fucking worried about going to my grandma's!!! I'm going to try and chew and spit breakfast and dinner (eat alone in my room) so that I can try to eat a "normal" dinner with the family so as not to raise suspicions. Good plan? We'll see.

Tomorrow I am starting 2460 with my "ana buddy" J. Cheer me on! Haha if anyone is reading this, which is probably a no lol.

More Thinspo...

2008-12-14T23:28:00.000-08:00

Argghh I want these ribs/legs!!!!

Chew & Spit

2008-12-14T23:14:00.000-08:00

So I officially am obsessed with chew & spit. It's exactly like it sounds - you chew up food but spit it out instead of swallowing. You get the taste without the guilt. I did it twice today and three times yesterday. It makes me feel...powerful. Like the food is so close, but I am strong enough to resist the swallow. I know it's a bad thing to do, but frankly I don't give a shit.

I was so good yesterday: a total of 273 calories all day! (Thank you C&S!!) I was being so good today too. My AM weight was 115.5 and by 6:30 pm I had only consumed 130 calories. But then I went to my friend RF's house. Shit. I AM SUCH A GREEDY FAT LARD ASS COW. I ate....3 shrimp. 5 tortilla chips. 1 cucumber slice. 1 chocolate. A glass of sparkling cider. 2 slices of cheddar cheese. About 10 grapes. In short...I BINGED. I didn't have the heart to calculate those calories. I just wrote in my Daily log that it was too many fucking calories. I'm ashamed...

And since my body has blessed me (haha NOT) with the inability to purge, I am left feeling fat, bloated, and a failure. Stupid stupid stupid. Not to mention the fact that it's after 11 pm and I hurt way too bad to exercise. Ana is yelling at me, saying to do it anyway, I deserve more pain because I ate so fucking much. But I just can't. I only got 5 1/2 hours of sleep last night and I'm exhausted.

Luckily (I guess) my PM weight is still 115.5...but we'll see what the morning brings. If I am the same or weigh more I am going on a liquid fast. Water, green tea and grapefruit juice only (30 cals for 8 oz.). I'd better be down at least a 1/2 pound tomorrow morning...but I don't see how that's possible.

Damn. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate who I have become.

Oh. And I have a new GW: 100 pounds. When I reach my goal weight I will consider getting help. Until then, I have told one friend (RF) and am talking to J ( an ana friend from online) via texting for support. But I'm not telling my therapist CD anything about it. If she asks about my eating I'm going to say that it's exactly how it should be. And that's true: it's exactly how it should be for under 500 calories per day!

Disbelief

2008-12-13T13:13:00.000-08:00

I don't even know where to begin. I weigh 117.5 pounds. I have gained back 5 pounds. 5! I am so fat. So disgusting.

I walked into the kitchen this morning and my dad poked my stomach and was like, "You look so skinny." HAHA! As if! I feel like I am a complete and utter failure. All I have had all day is 30 cals worth of grapefruit juice. And I still feel bloated and disgusting.

I didn't even add up the calories I ate yesterday. Between the muffin half and my mini sushi binge last night...God. Why can't I do anything right? I was good at this! I was good at losing weight! I've lost 20 pounds total! SO WHY THE FUCK AM I SUDDENLY BAD AT THIS AND AM GAINING WEIGHT? I am going to be such a fat cow.

And...I finally said the words out loud to myself in the mirror this morning. I looked at my lard-ass self and said, "I have an eating disorder."

Not that it changes the way I feel about myself and my body or that I still am going to continue on this path. But I think it was important to say it out loud instead of just thinking it.

I don't know what to do. I feel...hopeless. Like nothing will ever be good again.

I am a fat cow

2008-12-12T17:07:00.000-08:00

HOLY FUCKING SHIT. 103 my ass. No clue what the fuck my scale was doing, but it lied. Now I weigh 116, apparently. THAT'S 3.5 MORE THEN YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!

I am a cow. A fat cow. I am making myself pay for that half a muffin. That muffin half ruined my run of lost weight. And I'm freaking out about the holidays. How the hell am I supposed to hide this? How can I get out of eating? I won't have my low cal low fat snacks! My grandma doesn't even buy skim milk!!!! I swear if she doesn't have a scale....I'm not exactly sure what I'd do.

I hate my life. I hate my disease. I hate my body.

I'm afraid to tell anyone what is happening inside my head. I have this feeling like I'm sinking and and I don't know if I'm going to be able to swim to the surface if I sink for much longer. What the hell am I supposed to do? Go to treatment? But I'm still fat!!!! If I have to go to treatment I want to at least be skinny before I go in.

Sob. I must have done something to deserve this hell. Ana, HELP ME!!! HELP ME PUNISH MY SELF. I DESERVE NOTHING BUT THE PAIN I AM RECEIVING.

103? No...???

2008-12-12T13:01:00.000-08:00

So extreme hiding tactics were put into motion today. Last night I stole the scale from my parents bathroom and hid it in my room. Now I can weigh myself whenever I want. :)

I consumed 543 calories yesterday (over my goal, but not TOO bad) and exercised (but not until I cried so therefore not enough). When I woke up this morning I weighed myself and the scale said 103.

What? Excuse me? One-oh-three? My goal weight was 105! And I was 112.5 yesterday...how does someone lose 9.5 lbs in one day? And I'm still fat. My scale is lying. I know it. I'm disgusting.

So at the doctors appointment I had eight batteries in my bra and wore two shirts with a huge heavy sweater and my thickest jeans and thick socks and my Uggs. I weighed in at 117.8 lbs. So how could I have been 103 this morning? It literally is IMPOSSIBLE. And cruel. To have that false joy for a split second and then go, ... wait. NO. That can't be right. Look at my butt. Look at my arms. Look at my stomach. Look at my thighs for god's sake!

And to make matters more sucky, my parents decided we were going out to breakfast. AFTER I'd already eaten a piece of toast. So I got a muffin and ate half. I swear I felt SO FUCKING FAT after eating it. I seriously felt disgusted with myself. When I had to get a shot at the doctor Ana was whispering, "Don't make a sound, you deserve this pain, you fat cow." I'm so sorry. And now I feel like I should skip dinner. Hmmm....maybe I can tell my mom I'm feeling sick, have her bring it to my room, and dump it out the window? We'll see I guess.

I WANT TO BE SKINNY!!!! WHY AM I STILL FAT? :(

OH MY GOD!!!!!

2008-12-11T12:23:00.000-08:00

AHHHHHH!!! Are you ready for this? Are you sure?

I was having doubts about all of this weight stuff last night. I read the book Wasted by Marya Hornbacher and it scared me...made me wonder if I really wanted to go down this path. That and the fact that I ate 543 calories yesterday instead of keeping it under 500 like I was supposed to because I was a fucking weakling and ate a piece of fudge. Fudge! What the fuck was I thinking????

But I woke up this morning and I went and stood on the scale...and it said....112.5!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!! I was praying for simply 117! I am filled with the kind off joy I haven't felt for months. Months! I feel happy, I feel whole. I trace my ribs under my shirt and smile. A real smile, one that actually lights up my eyes. I think I'm getting addicted to this natural high, the high of feeling superior to all the weak people who guzzle down full-cal soda and eat huge portions three times a day. The only time I feel really happy is when the scale says I weigh less then I did yesterday. This is taking over my life. Memorizing calorie counts and figuring out how much more I need to lose to meet my goal...my goal for right now is 105. I need to lose 7.5 pounds? How fast can I do it? We'll see...

I LOVE FEELING SKINNY AND LIGHT AND PURE AND FREE! I feel like my body isn't controlling me. I smile when my stomach growls because it needs nourishment and I'm denying it. And no one can know. NO ONE CAN KNOW. I have so few things that are mine now. I have to tell my parents everything about how I'm feeling, detail pain and symptoms to doctors, talk to my therapist...this is something that is MINE. And I'm not going to let anyone take it from me!

My biggest obsession right now is the fact that I have a doctors appointment on Friday. I will get weighed. The last time I was there I weighed 124 pounds. I don't want them to notice a huge weight loss in three weeks!!! SO...I'm thinking of experimenting with water loading. I need to figure out how much I have to drink and how long I'll be able to hold it in. Maybe other stuff too, a heavy sweater, bean bags in my pockets...hmmm. I'll have to try out a few different options.

What?

2008-12-10T10:25:00.000-08:00

Okay...I'm frustrated today. I only consumed 388 calories yesterday! I was so proud. But I woke up this morning and weighed myself to discover...I'm still 119. Seriously? I was hoping for 118 or even 117 by some miracle. I don't understand, that's for sure.

Well, today I'm going to try to stay under 500 calories again. I'm going to exercise until I cry and when I wake up tojmorrow I'd BETTER be at least 118!!!! My stomach is flat but not concave like I want it to be. my thighs are so fats, and so are my hips. They need to dissappear!!! I'm so angry at fucking Ankylosing Spondylitis that it is keeping me from doing real exercise. The pounds would be jumping off by now!

My biggest problem I think is avoiding detection. I have to go to the doctor so often. They weigh me every time! And I've told my parents and my therapist that I'm eating normally again. Last night I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and I thought, maybe I should tell CD (my therapist) about this before it goes too far. My stomach just hurt so bad all of a sudden and I heard this voice that just yelled "No!!" I was scared at first but then I just rubbed my stomach and said that I wouldn't tell CD. The voice stopped and my stomach became fine again, not hungry at all. Was Ana telling me that?

I'm worried because I'm going back east for Christmas. My parents and I are staying in my grandma's house with tons of relatives. How will I hide this? How will I figure out calorie counts? How will I avoid eating all the wonderful, tempting desserts that my grandma will make? It's going to be hard. I know that. Especially since my dad already told my grandma that her job is to fatten me up sice I'm looking skinny. Urrgghhh...the mere thought of that gives me the creeps. I already sit on my ass in the house all fucking day most days because of fucking AS. If I ate more at this activity level I would be OBESE! No. I have to continue on this path. But no one can find out. No one.

I just wish I had a friend who I could compare notes with, you know? Set goals and fast together. My friend K had an ED a couple years ago, but she is recovered. The selfish part of me wants to ask her for tips, to ask her to help me, but I'm afraid that she might fall back into it. She doesn't need to. She's taller then me and weighs less.

I am lonely though. I'm trying to pray more, to listen to Christian music when I do physical therapy or am falling asleep. I try to remember that even though I hate myself and what I have become Jesus still loves me.

So here's to the day's goals:

Eat less than 500 calories
Do physical therapy exercises and more until cry from pain
Go to bed hungry
Keep eating habits a secret!

With any luck I will be down a pound (or really as many as humanly possible haha) tomorrow morning.

Thinspiration

2008-12-09T11:55:00.000-08:00

I used to think bodies like this were so gross. I loved the way curves looked. I was proud of my hips. Haha! I was so naive. Bones are so beautiful.

Body Hatred

2008-12-09T11:34:00.000-08:00

So...it's been so long since I last wrote. My life has been crazy. Medical diagnoses, doctors appointments, therapy, being so deeply depressed I wasn't sure if I would survive...or if I wanted to. This has become my life, day in and day out. Over the past two months something else has developed. I hate my body. Not in the typical way. I hate my body because it hates me. Every time I try to go and do something normal with my friends (ie shopping, movie, etc) I can barely walk the next day. I feel isolated, alone. I feel like my body is running my life.

That is not the way it should be! The way it should work is that I control my body. I should have absolute say over what it does. my body is giving me depression, anguish, lonliness, is cutting me off from everything I love like horseback riding, being at school, running, and so many other things. I am going to deny my body what it loves: food.

Before I got diagnosed with the big stuff (AS) in June of '08, I was 5' 4" and weighed 138 pounds. Lard ass. I was bothered by my weight, but didn't really feel up to doing anything about it. Now I'm doing things about it! I now weigh 119 pounds. My low weight has been 116, which happened over Thanksgiving weekend, and my high weight in the past week or so has been 120.5...I want to get down to 105. That is my goal. I want to be underweight for my height. I want to punish my body for everything it has done to me. I WANT TO BE IN CONTROL OF ONE FUCKING THING IN MY LIFE.

Today I ate 1/2 cup of nonfat vanilla yogurt (60 cals) and a small glass of diluted cranberry juice (90 cals) so far. But it isn't even lunchtime yet of course. I want to keep my cals under 500 today. Think I can do it???? I sure as hell hope so.

I was never much of an exerciser, but now I just want to go run and run an run, to burn off all those disgusting calories in me. But my fucking body won't let me. It hurts too bad. I'm going to physical therapy today, and when I get home I'm going to do those exercises until I'm crying from pain.

I deserve the pain. I still have fat on my hips and butt, I want to see my ribs more clearly. I love the feeling of my clothes being too big, of people telling me I'm too skinny and that I need to gain weight. Hahaha! As if! I need to LOSE weight - 14 pounds to be exact.

I'm so depressed despite my Prozac and the fact that my psychiatrist just increased the dosage. The only time I feel happy is when the numbers on the scale are lower. It's the only time I see light in my eyes when I look in the mirror.

Welcome, Ana. I know that you are bad. I know that you could kill me. But, as someone who has seriously contemplated suicide, would that really be so bad? If you can help me control my body and punish it, then take me, Ana. I'm all yours.

Therapy

2008-05-22T22:16:00.000-07:00

So today was my second therapy session. Joy! I never thought that I of all people would need therapy. I mean, I am practically giving my friends therapy 24/7! So what the hell am I doing in an office with Carrie? Not that I really mind - it just seems oddly ironic. I never imagined that my life would seem to be falling apart at the seams. I am overwhelmed from the moment I open my eyes in the morning to when I fall asleep at night. I can't sleep, I am forgetting things, and I am sulky and short-tempered. Where did I go?

I suppose the root of all of my issues doesn't matter. The reality is that they're there. So I need to gain "coping skills" other than restricting. Hence the therapy. Anyhoo, I felt such a rush of emotion after my session today. It was a release. I haven't had one of those in FOREVER, so it felt good to be able to confront my feelings. Weirdly, I can't wait to go again. And, for the first time in (I swear) months, I didn't talk to Jordin on the phone tonight. It feels kind of rewarding to not have dumped my issues on her. Poor girl...she really has problems of her own, so hopefully this will give her a chance to deal with them...

*Chica Bella*