I’m writing this on the plane and will post as soon as I get home. I’m not really sure how I feel about coming back to California. I hope that, at the very least, I will be able to keep up with the needs of my Ana with greater ease. Jesus was it difficult over the holidays! I would be forced to eat in front of my family. Then I would feel incredibly guilty. Then I would either cut, binge, or binge and cut. I was like, I was already fat and useless so I may as well binge as punishment. It serves me right. Ana has high standards and I am constantly disappointing her. I wish I was a better person in that respect.
So the thing I’m looking forward to the most is…MY SCALE! Being without a scale has been hell. I feel like I must be back at about 120. Fuck. As long as I am 115 or under I won’t cut. But if I am over 115 I must cut as punishment because I was 114.5 when I left. I must really be secretive. And that brings me to the devastating news.
I was stupid. I broke Ana’s #1 rule: I told my cousin E about Ana and cutting. I don’t know what came over me! We were sharing a room and it was all so hard to hide. She promised she wouldn’t tell…at first. Last night we were getting ready for bed and she said she was going to tell. FUCK. I’m so mad at her but I’m pretending that I’m not. She says she doesn’t know yet when she will tell or who she will tell. I asked her to give me a month and to warn me before she tells. If she keeps her word (please Lord, please) that means I have to get down to 100 lbs. in a month. Impossible! I’m going to have to be stealthy and really try and fast as much as possible. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I don’t know any other word to say.
