:(

Already off the day's plan, but only 215 cals so far. I'm FREAKING OUT about going to outpatient tomorrow. FREAKING OUT.

I don't think I'm going to be able to eat anything else tonight or tomorrow morning. I'm just so scared that They will look at me and laugh because I'm too fat to have an ED.

Food Rules

Safe Foods (permission to eat):

-rice cakes
-lettuce
-carrots
-tomato
-apples
-berries
-green tea
-diet soda
-broccoli
-green beans
-peas
-asparagus
-zucchini
-grapes
-pineapple
-low cal soup
-spray dessing
-splenda (in black coffee)
-honey
-instant oatmeal
-nonfat yogurt
-sugarfree gum
-WATER
-sugarfree jello

Forbidden foods (AVOID AT ALL COSTS):

-ice cream
-donuts
-cake
-pie
-cookies
-hamburger
-pizza
-fried chicken
-french fries
-mashed or baked potatoes
-cheese
-cream sauces
-pasta
-tortilla chips
-potato chips
-regular salad dressing
-sugar
-whipped cream
-granola bars
-candy
-marshmallows
-sandwiches
-peanut butter
-milk
-cereal
-sushi
-bread
-popcorn
-regular soda
-butter
-fruit juice

If a food isn't listed on either of these lists, avoid if possible, but may eat sparingly and without major punishment. Haha you don't have to kieep to this, but this is my list
<3

Urgh, arguments

So I'm saying the hell with you to my parents. Basically I am talking openly about my ed behavior. I'm refusing to eat stuff, and I have lists posted of forbidden foods and safe foods, etc. They are kind of freaking out. But whatever. It's my life. My body. And I don't want to let go of my ed. Unfortunately I do have to go to op on Friday. Yikes. But I'm going to walk in there and say straight up that I don't want to recover.

So, yesterday I had:

-rice cake (35 cals)
-salad w/ plain chicken, no dressing (150 cals)
-salad, no dressing and meat sauce (but no pasta lol) (150 cals)
-frozen berries (40 cals)

daily total: 375 cals...YAY! I needed to be low to make up for gross days of almost 800. BLECH.

So today my food plan is...

10:30 AM: frozen berries (40 cals)
12:30 PM: sweet potato (plain, steamed) (80 cals)
3:30 PM: rice cake (35 cals)
6:30 PM: dinner (200 cals or under)
9:00 PM: frozen fruit (40 cals)

So if I manage to stick to that, my daily total for today SHOULD be around 395. Wish me luck??

More and more self-hatred

So tonight I binged...not majorly (my daily intake was still only 590) but still, I binged. I felt so gross. Once again I was bent over the toilet with a toothbrush down my throat, and once again I had no luck. I swear if I could only purge...sigh.

Anyways, I did exercise for 2 hours tonight, so maybe that made up for it a little bit.

Had a VERY interesting discussion with my friend KR today. She told me she never stopped purging. That she just started restricting to 500 cals a day. Part of me was scared for her - I mean, I know the hell where I start crying because I ate an apple. But the other half of me was so...HAPPY. Like I have a partner in crime. We are going to go buy diet pills on Friday. I'm so so so excited. Also I need to find a way to buy a cheap scale and hide it in my room. I NEED A SCALE. Seriously.

At the doctor today I weighed in at 114 lbs. EW. 14 pounds to lose...I think. I wonder now if 100 lbs will be enough. Maybe I should shoot for 95?

Liquids

So I'm starting a liquid fast. And I think I'm going to be honest with my aprents about it. Just be like, I'm not eating. Fucking deal with it. Bad idea? Probably. But I frankly don't give a shit.

I cut myself today for the 1st time in a month and a half. Over 1/2 cup of chocolate chips. That's insane. It's got to stop. So, I won't eat anything. Liquids and chew and spit are the only things on the menu today! :)

Off to get some green tea and diet pills <3

:/

Well...so I've eaten 230 calories today. Dammit. I feel so full and disgusting and just all around GROSS. That's it for me today. I'm not eating anything else. Watch though, I'll be a failure again like I am at everything else and do some major fucking binge. Sigh. I seriously wish I could wire my mouth shut.

OK day...

669 calories total today. More then I had wanted to have, but still...I'm pretty proud of being able to restrict so much when my parents know about my eating disorder and are monitoring me. I'm so glad we live on a hill! SUPER convenient for dumping food of the deck lol.

So I only have tomorrow before I get weighed at the outpatient clinic. I'm assuming I'm going to get weighed....whatever. The point is, if I'm going to be in a place with other girls who have eating disorders, I can't be this fat!!! I will stay under 300 cals tomorrow. Or else. Now I just have to find a scale tomorrow morning. Fuck.

Ana is BACK

OK, so I'm getting all ready to go into outpatient on Friday, and Ana has coem back with a vengence. I'm seriously worse than I've been in three weeks. I skipped breakfast 2 days ago and only had lettuce for lunch. With dinner that day, my daily total was 500 cals. Then yesterday I ate 130 cals for breakfast, 190 for lunch and had dinner. So about 600 total. But then...i ate ice cream. FUCK. So I found myself on the floor in front of the toilet with my finger (and then a toothbrush) down my throat. Nothing. Fuck the god who made me without a gag reflex. So then I exercised majorily last night. So I'm in horrible pain this morning. And I made a bowl of cereal in front of my dad and then dumped it off my deck. I'm planning on not eating until dinner.

I HAVE TO GET TO 100 LBS. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT RECOVERY. I'm actually thinking that I just keep doing Ana. See how much I lose. (hopefully I will lose 15 lbs, to get me to 100 lbs!) They can fucking stick me in residential if they want to. They can't make me stop. I know I said I wanted my life back, but I feel like eating is just taking my life and my control over my life away from me, not giving it back. I will shrink away to beautiful bones. Ana has given me the strength I need once again to get beautiful...beautifully SKINNY!!!!!

I'm so scared for February 13th

OK, so not only is Feb. 13th a Friday (unlucky, anyone??) I have my first appointment with an eating disorder outpatient clinic that day. Jesus Christ, I am so scared. I wrote out this list of pros and cons of going, so I'll share them with you.

PROS:
I want to be able to have kids someday
I don't want to disappoint everyone
I'm tired of hating myself
I wish I wasn't scared of gaining weight
I wish I didn't feel guilty for eating
I'm afraid of going off to college and getting really bad with no one to supervise
The voice is getting louder
I want my life back

CONS:
I'm too fat for treatment
I will have to gain and maintain weight
I might disappoint people by relapsing
I will continue to not be able to see my ribs anymore
I will see other girls with EDs and be jealous that they are thinner
What if it doesn't work?
I will have to face painful issues
I will have to give up control
I will lose the only identity i currently have

So I don't really have a choice. I mean, I'm going. But I skipped breakfast today. And I want to skip lunch. If I have to eat I'll do salad with nothing on it. But seriously. I'm getting worse again. I weighed myself for the first time in over 3 weeks. I snuck over to K's house and used her scale since my parents won't tell me where they hid ours. It said 115. FUCKKKKK. That means I've gained 6 lbs. EW. I AM A FUCKING COW. I WANT TO GET BECK TO 109. I WANT TO GO UNDER 109. NO ONE CAN MAKE ME EAT GODDAMMIT. I'M GOING TO RESTRICT AGAIN.

Recovery is bullshit!

The reason I haven't written in so long is because I have been trying to recover. I realized that the scale wasn't lying, that I was really 109. Since I grew an inch and was now 5'5", 109 was underweight for my height. I fessed up to my therapist and my parents. Fuck.

I decided to try and recover on my own. No ED clinics, inpatient or outpatient. I am now up to around 116. My parents hid the scale. It's gone. I've torn apart the house looking for it. No luck. The only reason I have that estimate is because I was weighed at the doctor. But with shoes and clothes on and after breakfast and lunch. NO clue if I'm fatter by now.

But I am tired of recovery. I'm supposedly getting healthy, but I feel disgusting. I fucking hate my body. I can't see my ribs very clearly. I want them back. I want full-fledged Ana back. Ana is screaming at me all the time now, look what you did, you told and now you're eating 3 meals a day every day and you're getting OBESE.

I have to find a scale. I need to find a way to get diet pills. And I need to get to 100 pounds.

I don't want to do an outpatient clinic. I want to escape from my life. I want to go inpatient. But I'm too fat for that. Way too fat. 116????? FUCK. And my insurance wants me to try and fail at an outpatient deal before they will cover inpatient. And guess what? I don't want recovery anymore. Why? it's bullshit. All it's doing is making me FAT.