Determined to Stay Healthy

I must stay in recovery. I must. Last night was a close call. I haven't felt that dark in a very long time. But I have to remember all the reasons why I committed myself to not living an anorexic life anymore. Reading the old posts on this blog is hard. It tempts me, but it also makes me sad, realizing the depth of the self hatred, and now realizing that I deserve better from myself.

I need to let myself off the hook at some point. I made mistakes. I still make mistakes. I just made a huge one yesterday. M said she isn't mad at me. I NEED to believe her. I triggered her accidentally. It was unintentional, and she knows that. She has moved onwards, it's me that can't let it go. Fuck.

Hmm, I wonder why I can't stop thinking about C. It's not as if he is my typical type. But I can't help it. My goodness. There is so much to think about. Tonight a group of us are going to EH. It is going to be me, C, K, M, S, L, and a friend or two of C's. Should be interesting. We'll see if I can get drunk enough to convince myself to make a move lol :)