Determined to Stay Healthy

I must stay in recovery. I must. Last night was a close call. I haven't felt that dark in a very long time. But I have to remember all the reasons why I committed myself to not living an anorexic life anymore. Reading the old posts on this blog is hard. It tempts me, but it also makes me sad, realizing the depth of the self hatred, and now realizing that I deserve better from myself.

I need to let myself off the hook at some point. I made mistakes. I still make mistakes. I just made a huge one yesterday. M said she isn't mad at me. I NEED to believe her. I triggered her accidentally. It was unintentional, and she knows that. She has moved onwards, it's me that can't let it go. Fuck.

Hmm, I wonder why I can't stop thinking about C. It's not as if he is my typical type. But I can't help it. My goodness. There is so much to think about. Tonight a group of us are going to EH. It is going to be me, C, K, M, S, L, and a friend or two of C's. Should be interesting. We'll see if I can get drunk enough to convince myself to make a move lol :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lxbcPwRuj4&feature=channel

OH MY GOD. You need to watch this. It's 6 parts. This girl (as an experiment) cuts to 500 cals a day for 2 months. It's so funny watching her try to be eating disordered! I feel bad for her kind of. Like she's a weak person. I do feel a bit better though because at the end her BMI is 19...same as mine! And I did it with WAY more strength then she did lol. <3

Doctors...blechhh

So I went to my primary care physician yesterday. I got weighed and had blood tests and all that shit. Luckily my pulse was 71 beats per minute so I didn't have to get an EKG. Haven't gotten the blood test results yet but I was tested for magnesium, calcium, potassium...etc.

The weight, though, it FREAKED ME OUT. The appt. was at 2:30. I was wearing clothes and shoes. I weighed in at 115 lbs. GROSS I AM SUCH A FUCKING FAT COW. My BMI is currently 19. NOrmal, but the doctor was like, it's really low, yadda yadda yadda. Whatever. I have been taking like 10 or more green tea pills per day. Bought some more at Rite Aid for $6! :)

Today I was being so good...woke up at 7. Had coffee w/ Truvia at 8. Had raisins at 9:30 for laxative effect. Worked. Then had green tea. Then I messed up. I ate 120 cals worth of bread. and then I was like, oh, I should have some mango. And then I ate CHOCOLATE CHIPS. AGAIN. GRRRRR. So I'm at like 300 cals today. and it's not even 3 pm. FUCK.

Skipped dinner last night at least. Hopefully I will do that again tonight. Dad threatened me with a feeding tube last night and mom was like, "This has got to stop, Clare." Well they can go to hell. I'm not fucking stopping. I weigh 115 lbs for crying out loud! I'm so fat and disgusting. I seriously wanted to cry when I look in the mirror. Thje sad thing is, I remember when 115 was my goal weight. And now 115 is fat to me. Not sure what I think about that. Oh. And my period is late again and I keep getting chest pains. And you know what? That makes me happy. Because it MUST mean I'm getting thinner, right?

:(

Already off the day's plan, but only 215 cals so far. I'm FREAKING OUT about going to outpatient tomorrow. FREAKING OUT.

I don't think I'm going to be able to eat anything else tonight or tomorrow morning. I'm just so scared that They will look at me and laugh because I'm too fat to have an ED.

Food Rules

Safe Foods (permission to eat):

-rice cakes
-lettuce
-carrots
-tomato
-apples
-berries
-green tea
-diet soda
-broccoli
-green beans
-peas
-asparagus
-zucchini
-grapes
-pineapple
-low cal soup
-spray dessing
-splenda (in black coffee)
-honey
-instant oatmeal
-nonfat yogurt
-sugarfree gum
-WATER
-sugarfree jello

Forbidden foods (AVOID AT ALL COSTS):

-ice cream
-donuts
-cake
-pie
-cookies
-hamburger
-pizza
-fried chicken
-french fries
-mashed or baked potatoes
-cheese
-cream sauces
-pasta
-tortilla chips
-potato chips
-regular salad dressing
-sugar
-whipped cream
-granola bars
-candy
-marshmallows
-sandwiches
-peanut butter
-milk
-cereal
-sushi
-bread
-popcorn
-regular soda
-butter
-fruit juice

If a food isn't listed on either of these lists, avoid if possible, but may eat sparingly and without major punishment. Haha you don't have to kieep to this, but this is my list
<3

Urgh, arguments

So I'm saying the hell with you to my parents. Basically I am talking openly about my ed behavior. I'm refusing to eat stuff, and I have lists posted of forbidden foods and safe foods, etc. They are kind of freaking out. But whatever. It's my life. My body. And I don't want to let go of my ed. Unfortunately I do have to go to op on Friday. Yikes. But I'm going to walk in there and say straight up that I don't want to recover.

So, yesterday I had:

-rice cake (35 cals)
-salad w/ plain chicken, no dressing (150 cals)
-salad, no dressing and meat sauce (but no pasta lol) (150 cals)
-frozen berries (40 cals)

daily total: 375 cals...YAY! I needed to be low to make up for gross days of almost 800. BLECH.

So today my food plan is...

10:30 AM: frozen berries (40 cals)
12:30 PM: sweet potato (plain, steamed) (80 cals)
3:30 PM: rice cake (35 cals)
6:30 PM: dinner (200 cals or under)
9:00 PM: frozen fruit (40 cals)

So if I manage to stick to that, my daily total for today SHOULD be around 395. Wish me luck??

More and more self-hatred

So tonight I binged...not majorly (my daily intake was still only 590) but still, I binged. I felt so gross. Once again I was bent over the toilet with a toothbrush down my throat, and once again I had no luck. I swear if I could only purge...sigh.

Anyways, I did exercise for 2 hours tonight, so maybe that made up for it a little bit.

Had a VERY interesting discussion with my friend KR today. She told me she never stopped purging. That she just started restricting to 500 cals a day. Part of me was scared for her - I mean, I know the hell where I start crying because I ate an apple. But the other half of me was so...HAPPY. Like I have a partner in crime. We are going to go buy diet pills on Friday. I'm so so so excited. Also I need to find a way to buy a cheap scale and hide it in my room. I NEED A SCALE. Seriously.

At the doctor today I weighed in at 114 lbs. EW. 14 pounds to lose...I think. I wonder now if 100 lbs will be enough. Maybe I should shoot for 95?

Liquids

So I'm starting a liquid fast. And I think I'm going to be honest with my aprents about it. Just be like, I'm not eating. Fucking deal with it. Bad idea? Probably. But I frankly don't give a shit.

I cut myself today for the 1st time in a month and a half. Over 1/2 cup of chocolate chips. That's insane. It's got to stop. So, I won't eat anything. Liquids and chew and spit are the only things on the menu today! :)

Off to get some green tea and diet pills <3

:/

Well...so I've eaten 230 calories today. Dammit. I feel so full and disgusting and just all around GROSS. That's it for me today. I'm not eating anything else. Watch though, I'll be a failure again like I am at everything else and do some major fucking binge. Sigh. I seriously wish I could wire my mouth shut.

OK day...

669 calories total today. More then I had wanted to have, but still...I'm pretty proud of being able to restrict so much when my parents know about my eating disorder and are monitoring me. I'm so glad we live on a hill! SUPER convenient for dumping food of the deck lol.

So I only have tomorrow before I get weighed at the outpatient clinic. I'm assuming I'm going to get weighed....whatever. The point is, if I'm going to be in a place with other girls who have eating disorders, I can't be this fat!!! I will stay under 300 cals tomorrow. Or else. Now I just have to find a scale tomorrow morning. Fuck.

Ana is BACK

OK, so I'm getting all ready to go into outpatient on Friday, and Ana has coem back with a vengence. I'm seriously worse than I've been in three weeks. I skipped breakfast 2 days ago and only had lettuce for lunch. With dinner that day, my daily total was 500 cals. Then yesterday I ate 130 cals for breakfast, 190 for lunch and had dinner. So about 600 total. But then...i ate ice cream. FUCK. So I found myself on the floor in front of the toilet with my finger (and then a toothbrush) down my throat. Nothing. Fuck the god who made me without a gag reflex. So then I exercised majorily last night. So I'm in horrible pain this morning. And I made a bowl of cereal in front of my dad and then dumped it off my deck. I'm planning on not eating until dinner.

I HAVE TO GET TO 100 LBS. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT RECOVERY. I'm actually thinking that I just keep doing Ana. See how much I lose. (hopefully I will lose 15 lbs, to get me to 100 lbs!) They can fucking stick me in residential if they want to. They can't make me stop. I know I said I wanted my life back, but I feel like eating is just taking my life and my control over my life away from me, not giving it back. I will shrink away to beautiful bones. Ana has given me the strength I need once again to get beautiful...beautifully SKINNY!!!!!

I'm so scared for February 13th

OK, so not only is Feb. 13th a Friday (unlucky, anyone??) I have my first appointment with an eating disorder outpatient clinic that day. Jesus Christ, I am so scared. I wrote out this list of pros and cons of going, so I'll share them with you.

PROS:
I want to be able to have kids someday
I don't want to disappoint everyone
I'm tired of hating myself
I wish I wasn't scared of gaining weight
I wish I didn't feel guilty for eating
I'm afraid of going off to college and getting really bad with no one to supervise
The voice is getting louder
I want my life back

CONS:
I'm too fat for treatment
I will have to gain and maintain weight
I might disappoint people by relapsing
I will continue to not be able to see my ribs anymore
I will see other girls with EDs and be jealous that they are thinner
What if it doesn't work?
I will have to face painful issues
I will have to give up control
I will lose the only identity i currently have

So I don't really have a choice. I mean, I'm going. But I skipped breakfast today. And I want to skip lunch. If I have to eat I'll do salad with nothing on it. But seriously. I'm getting worse again. I weighed myself for the first time in over 3 weeks. I snuck over to K's house and used her scale since my parents won't tell me where they hid ours. It said 115. FUCKKKKK. That means I've gained 6 lbs. EW. I AM A FUCKING COW. I WANT TO GET BECK TO 109. I WANT TO GO UNDER 109. NO ONE CAN MAKE ME EAT GODDAMMIT. I'M GOING TO RESTRICT AGAIN.

Recovery is bullshit!

The reason I haven't written in so long is because I have been trying to recover. I realized that the scale wasn't lying, that I was really 109. Since I grew an inch and was now 5'5", 109 was underweight for my height. I fessed up to my therapist and my parents. Fuck.

I decided to try and recover on my own. No ED clinics, inpatient or outpatient. I am now up to around 116. My parents hid the scale. It's gone. I've torn apart the house looking for it. No luck. The only reason I have that estimate is because I was weighed at the doctor. But with shoes and clothes on and after breakfast and lunch. NO clue if I'm fatter by now.

But I am tired of recovery. I'm supposedly getting healthy, but I feel disgusting. I fucking hate my body. I can't see my ribs very clearly. I want them back. I want full-fledged Ana back. Ana is screaming at me all the time now, look what you did, you told and now you're eating 3 meals a day every day and you're getting OBESE.

I have to find a scale. I need to find a way to get diet pills. And I need to get to 100 pounds.

I don't want to do an outpatient clinic. I want to escape from my life. I want to go inpatient. But I'm too fat for that. Way too fat. 116????? FUCK. And my insurance wants me to try and fail at an outpatient deal before they will cover inpatient. And guess what? I don't want recovery anymore. Why? it's bullshit. All it's doing is making me FAT.

Thinspo and questions

So when I woke up at home this morning I ran and went to the bathroom, took off all my clothes and got on the scale. It said....109. I got off, reset it, and got on again. Still said 109. It's lying to me. I'm still so fat! Why the hell is it saying 109 whith the amount of binging that happened over the holidays. Yeah, I upped my exercises, but not that much more. If I'm 109 which is supposed to be the "ideal" (i.e. unattainable celebrity standard) then why the hell don't I look like these girls?

Coming home is scary

I’m writing this on the plane and will post as soon as I get home. I’m not really sure how I feel about coming back to California. I hope that, at the very least, I will be able to keep up with the needs of my Ana with greater ease. Jesus was it difficult over the holidays! I would be forced to eat in front of my family. Then I would feel incredibly guilty. Then I would either cut, binge, or binge and cut. I was like, I was already fat and useless so I may as well binge as punishment. It serves me right. Ana has high standards and I am constantly disappointing her. I wish I was a better person in that respect.

So the thing I’m looking forward to the most is…MY SCALE! Being without a scale has been hell. I feel like I must be back at about 120. Fuck. As long as I am 115 or under I won’t cut. But if I am over 115 I must cut as punishment because I was 114.5 when I left. I must really be secretive. And that brings me to the devastating news.

I was stupid. I broke Ana’s #1 rule: I told my cousin E about Ana and cutting. I don’t know what came over me! We were sharing a room and it was all so hard to hide. She promised she wouldn’t tell…at first. Last night we were getting ready for bed and she said she was going to tell. FUCK. I’m so mad at her but I’m pretending that I’m not. She says she doesn’t know yet when she will tell or who she will tell. I asked her to give me a month and to warn me before she tells. If she keeps her word (please Lord, please) that means I have to get down to 100 lbs. in a month. Impossible! I’m going to have to be stealthy and really try and fast as much as possible. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I don’t know any other word to say.