Determined to Stay Healthy

I must stay in recovery. I must. Last night was a close call. I haven't felt that dark in a very long time. But I have to remember all the reasons why I committed myself to not living an anorexic life anymore. Reading the old posts on this blog is hard. It tempts me, but it also makes me sad, realizing the depth of the self hatred, and now realizing that I deserve better from myself.

I need to let myself off the hook at some point. I made mistakes. I still make mistakes. I just made a huge one yesterday. M said she isn't mad at me. I NEED to believe her. I triggered her accidentally. It was unintentional, and she knows that. She has moved onwards, it's me that can't let it go. Fuck.

Hmm, I wonder why I can't stop thinking about C. It's not as if he is my typical type. But I can't help it. My goodness. There is so much to think about. Tonight a group of us are going to EH. It is going to be me, C, K, M, S, L, and a friend or two of C's. Should be interesting. We'll see if I can get drunk enough to convince myself to make a move lol :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lxbcPwRuj4&feature=channel

OH MY GOD. You need to watch this. It's 6 parts. This girl (as an experiment) cuts to 500 cals a day for 2 months. It's so funny watching her try to be eating disordered! I feel bad for her kind of. Like she's a weak person. I do feel a bit better though because at the end her BMI is 19...same as mine! And I did it with WAY more strength then she did lol. <3

Doctors...blechhh

So I went to my primary care physician yesterday. I got weighed and had blood tests and all that shit. Luckily my pulse was 71 beats per minute so I didn't have to get an EKG. Haven't gotten the blood test results yet but I was tested for magnesium, calcium, potassium...etc.

The weight, though, it FREAKED ME OUT. The appt. was at 2:30. I was wearing clothes and shoes. I weighed in at 115 lbs. GROSS I AM SUCH A FUCKING FAT COW. My BMI is currently 19. NOrmal, but the doctor was like, it's really low, yadda yadda yadda. Whatever. I have been taking like 10 or more green tea pills per day. Bought some more at Rite Aid for $6! :)

Today I was being so good...woke up at 7. Had coffee w/ Truvia at 8. Had raisins at 9:30 for laxative effect. Worked. Then had green tea. Then I messed up. I ate 120 cals worth of bread. and then I was like, oh, I should have some mango. And then I ate CHOCOLATE CHIPS. AGAIN. GRRRRR. So I'm at like 300 cals today. and it's not even 3 pm. FUCK.

Skipped dinner last night at least. Hopefully I will do that again tonight. Dad threatened me with a feeding tube last night and mom was like, "This has got to stop, Clare." Well they can go to hell. I'm not fucking stopping. I weigh 115 lbs for crying out loud! I'm so fat and disgusting. I seriously wanted to cry when I look in the mirror. Thje sad thing is, I remember when 115 was my goal weight. And now 115 is fat to me. Not sure what I think about that. Oh. And my period is late again and I keep getting chest pains. And you know what? That makes me happy. Because it MUST mean I'm getting thinner, right?

:(

Already off the day's plan, but only 215 cals so far. I'm FREAKING OUT about going to outpatient tomorrow. FREAKING OUT.

I don't think I'm going to be able to eat anything else tonight or tomorrow morning. I'm just so scared that They will look at me and laugh because I'm too fat to have an ED.

Food Rules

Safe Foods (permission to eat):

-rice cakes
-lettuce
-carrots
-tomato
-apples
-berries
-green tea
-diet soda
-broccoli
-green beans
-peas
-asparagus
-zucchini
-grapes
-pineapple
-low cal soup
-spray dessing
-splenda (in black coffee)
-honey
-instant oatmeal
-nonfat yogurt
-sugarfree gum
-WATER
-sugarfree jello

Forbidden foods (AVOID AT ALL COSTS):

-ice cream
-donuts
-cake
-pie
-cookies
-hamburger
-pizza
-fried chicken
-french fries
-mashed or baked potatoes
-cheese
-cream sauces
-pasta
-tortilla chips
-potato chips
-regular salad dressing
-sugar
-whipped cream
-granola bars
-candy
-marshmallows
-sandwiches
-peanut butter
-milk
-cereal
-sushi
-bread
-popcorn
-regular soda
-butter
-fruit juice

If a food isn't listed on either of these lists, avoid if possible, but may eat sparingly and without major punishment. Haha you don't have to kieep to this, but this is my list
<3

Urgh, arguments

So I'm saying the hell with you to my parents. Basically I am talking openly about my ed behavior. I'm refusing to eat stuff, and I have lists posted of forbidden foods and safe foods, etc. They are kind of freaking out. But whatever. It's my life. My body. And I don't want to let go of my ed. Unfortunately I do have to go to op on Friday. Yikes. But I'm going to walk in there and say straight up that I don't want to recover.

So, yesterday I had:

-rice cake (35 cals)
-salad w/ plain chicken, no dressing (150 cals)
-salad, no dressing and meat sauce (but no pasta lol) (150 cals)
-frozen berries (40 cals)

daily total: 375 cals...YAY! I needed to be low to make up for gross days of almost 800. BLECH.

So today my food plan is...

10:30 AM: frozen berries (40 cals)
12:30 PM: sweet potato (plain, steamed) (80 cals)
3:30 PM: rice cake (35 cals)
6:30 PM: dinner (200 cals or under)
9:00 PM: frozen fruit (40 cals)

So if I manage to stick to that, my daily total for today SHOULD be around 395. Wish me luck??

More and more self-hatred

So tonight I binged...not majorly (my daily intake was still only 590) but still, I binged. I felt so gross. Once again I was bent over the toilet with a toothbrush down my throat, and once again I had no luck. I swear if I could only purge...sigh.

Anyways, I did exercise for 2 hours tonight, so maybe that made up for it a little bit.

Had a VERY interesting discussion with my friend KR today. She told me she never stopped purging. That she just started restricting to 500 cals a day. Part of me was scared for her - I mean, I know the hell where I start crying because I ate an apple. But the other half of me was so...HAPPY. Like I have a partner in crime. We are going to go buy diet pills on Friday. I'm so so so excited. Also I need to find a way to buy a cheap scale and hide it in my room. I NEED A SCALE. Seriously.

At the doctor today I weighed in at 114 lbs. EW. 14 pounds to lose...I think. I wonder now if 100 lbs will be enough. Maybe I should shoot for 95?