I'm so scared for February 13th

OK, so not only is Feb. 13th a Friday (unlucky, anyone??) I have my first appointment with an eating disorder outpatient clinic that day. Jesus Christ, I am so scared. I wrote out this list of pros and cons of going, so I'll share them with you.

PROS:
I want to be able to have kids someday
I don't want to disappoint everyone
I'm tired of hating myself
I wish I wasn't scared of gaining weight
I wish I didn't feel guilty for eating
I'm afraid of going off to college and getting really bad with no one to supervise
The voice is getting louder
I want my life back

CONS:
I'm too fat for treatment
I will have to gain and maintain weight
I might disappoint people by relapsing
I will continue to not be able to see my ribs anymore
I will see other girls with EDs and be jealous that they are thinner
What if it doesn't work?
I will have to face painful issues
I will have to give up control
I will lose the only identity i currently have

So I don't really have a choice. I mean, I'm going. But I skipped breakfast today. And I want to skip lunch. If I have to eat I'll do salad with nothing on it. But seriously. I'm getting worse again. I weighed myself for the first time in over 3 weeks. I snuck over to K's house and used her scale since my parents won't tell me where they hid ours. It said 115. FUCKKKKK. That means I've gained 6 lbs. EW. I AM A FUCKING COW. I WANT TO GET BECK TO 109. I WANT TO GO UNDER 109. NO ONE CAN MAKE ME EAT GODDAMMIT. I'M GOING TO RESTRICT AGAIN.