Recovery is bullshit!

The reason I haven't written in so long is because I have been trying to recover. I realized that the scale wasn't lying, that I was really 109. Since I grew an inch and was now 5'5", 109 was underweight for my height. I fessed up to my therapist and my parents. Fuck.

I decided to try and recover on my own. No ED clinics, inpatient or outpatient. I am now up to around 116. My parents hid the scale. It's gone. I've torn apart the house looking for it. No luck. The only reason I have that estimate is because I was weighed at the doctor. But with shoes and clothes on and after breakfast and lunch. NO clue if I'm fatter by now.

But I am tired of recovery. I'm supposedly getting healthy, but I feel disgusting. I fucking hate my body. I can't see my ribs very clearly. I want them back. I want full-fledged Ana back. Ana is screaming at me all the time now, look what you did, you told and now you're eating 3 meals a day every day and you're getting OBESE.

I have to find a scale. I need to find a way to get diet pills. And I need to get to 100 pounds.

I don't want to do an outpatient clinic. I want to escape from my life. I want to go inpatient. But I'm too fat for that. Way too fat. 116????? FUCK. And my insurance wants me to try and fail at an outpatient deal before they will cover inpatient. And guess what? I don't want recovery anymore. Why? it's bullshit. All it's doing is making me FAT.