Chew & Spit

So I officially am obsessed with chew & spit. It's exactly like it sounds - you chew up food but spit it out instead of swallowing. You get the taste without the guilt. I did it twice today and three times yesterday. It makes me feel...powerful. Like the food is so close, but I am strong enough to resist the swallow. I know it's a bad thing to do, but frankly I don't give a shit.

I was so good yesterday: a total of 273 calories all day! (Thank you C&S!!) I was being so good today too. My AM weight was 115.5 and by 6:30 pm I had only consumed 130 calories. But then I went to my friend RF's house. Shit. I AM SUCH A GREEDY FAT LARD ASS COW. I ate....3 shrimp. 5 tortilla chips. 1 cucumber slice. 1 chocolate. A glass of sparkling cider. 2 slices of cheddar cheese. About 10 grapes. In short...I BINGED. I didn't have the heart to calculate those calories. I just wrote in my Daily log that it was too many fucking calories. I'm ashamed...

And since my body has blessed me (haha NOT) with the inability to purge, I am left feeling fat, bloated, and a failure. Stupid stupid stupid. Not to mention the fact that it's after 11 pm and I hurt way too bad to exercise. Ana is yelling at me, saying to do it anyway, I deserve more pain because I ate so fucking much. But I just can't. I only got 5 1/2 hours of sleep last night and I'm exhausted.

Luckily (I guess) my PM weight is still 115.5...but we'll see what the morning brings. If I am the same or weigh more I am going on a liquid fast. Water, green tea and grapefruit juice only (30 cals for 8 oz.). I'd better be down at least a 1/2 pound tomorrow morning...but I don't see how that's possible.

Damn. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate who I have become.

Oh. And I have a new GW: 100 pounds. When I reach my goal weight I will consider getting help. Until then, I have told one friend (RF) and am talking to J ( an ana friend from online) via texting for support. But I'm not telling my therapist CD anything about it. If she asks about my eating I'm going to say that it's exactly how it should be. And that's true: it's exactly how it should be for under 500 calories per day!