OH MY GOD!!!!!

AHHHHHH!!! Are you ready for this? Are you sure?

I was having doubts about all of this weight stuff last night. I read the book Wasted by Marya Hornbacher and it scared me...made me wonder if I really wanted to go down this path. That and the fact that I ate 543 calories yesterday instead of keeping it under 500 like I was supposed to because I was a fucking weakling and ate a piece of fudge. Fudge! What the fuck was I thinking????

But I woke up this morning and I went and stood on the scale...and it said....112.5!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!! I was praying for simply 117! I am filled with the kind off joy I haven't felt for months. Months! I feel happy, I feel whole. I trace my ribs under my shirt and smile. A real smile, one that actually lights up my eyes. I think I'm getting addicted to this natural high, the high of feeling superior to all the weak people who guzzle down full-cal soda and eat huge portions three times a day. The only time I feel really happy is when the scale says I weigh less then I did yesterday. This is taking over my life. Memorizing calorie counts and figuring out how much more I need to lose to meet my goal...my goal for right now is 105. I need to lose 7.5 pounds? How fast can I do it? We'll see...

I LOVE FEELING SKINNY AND LIGHT AND PURE AND FREE! I feel like my body isn't controlling me. I smile when my stomach growls because it needs nourishment and I'm denying it. And no one can know. NO ONE CAN KNOW. I have so few things that are mine now. I have to tell my parents everything about how I'm feeling, detail pain and symptoms to doctors, talk to my therapist...this is something that is MINE. And I'm not going to let anyone take it from me!

My biggest obsession right now is the fact that I have a doctors appointment on Friday. I will get weighed. The last time I was there I weighed 124 pounds. I don't want them to notice a huge weight loss in three weeks!!! SO...I'm thinking of experimenting with water loading. I need to figure out how much I have to drink and how long I'll be able to hold it in. Maybe other stuff too, a heavy sweater, bean bags in my pockets...hmmm. I'll have to try out a few different options.