I am a fat cow

HOLY FUCKING SHIT. 103 my ass. No clue what the fuck my scale was doing, but it lied. Now I weigh 116, apparently. THAT'S 3.5 MORE THEN YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!

I am a cow. A fat cow. I am making myself pay for that half a muffin. That muffin half ruined my run of lost weight. And I'm freaking out about the holidays. How the hell am I supposed to hide this? How can I get out of eating? I won't have my low cal low fat snacks! My grandma doesn't even buy skim milk!!!! I swear if she doesn't have a scale....I'm not exactly sure what I'd do.

I hate my life. I hate my disease. I hate my body.

I'm afraid to tell anyone what is happening inside my head. I have this feeling like I'm sinking and and I don't know if I'm going to be able to swim to the surface if I sink for much longer. What the hell am I supposed to do? Go to treatment? But I'm still fat!!!! If I have to go to treatment I want to at least be skinny before I go in.

Sob. I must have done something to deserve this hell. Ana, HELP ME!!! HELP ME PUNISH MY SELF. I DESERVE NOTHING BUT THE PAIN I AM RECEIVING.