What?

Okay...I'm frustrated today. I only consumed 388 calories yesterday! I was so proud. But I woke up this morning and weighed myself to discover...I'm still 119. Seriously? I was hoping for 118 or even 117 by some miracle. I don't understand, that's for sure.

Well, today I'm going to try to stay under 500 calories again. I'm going to exercise until I cry and when I wake up tojmorrow I'd BETTER be at least 118!!!! My stomach is flat but not concave like I want it to be. my thighs are so fats, and so are my hips. They need to dissappear!!! I'm so angry at fucking Ankylosing Spondylitis that it is keeping me from doing real exercise. The pounds would be jumping off by now!

My biggest problem I think is avoiding detection. I have to go to the doctor so often. They weigh me every time! And I've told my parents and my therapist that I'm eating normally again. Last night I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and I thought, maybe I should tell CD (my therapist) about this before it goes too far. My stomach just hurt so bad all of a sudden and I heard this voice that just yelled "No!!" I was scared at first but then I just rubbed my stomach and said that I wouldn't tell CD. The voice stopped and my stomach became fine again, not hungry at all. Was Ana telling me that?

I'm worried because I'm going back east for Christmas. My parents and I are staying in my grandma's house with tons of relatives. How will I hide this? How will I figure out calorie counts? How will I avoid eating all the wonderful, tempting desserts that my grandma will make? It's going to be hard. I know that. Especially since my dad already told my grandma that her job is to fatten me up sice I'm looking skinny. Urrgghhh...the mere thought of that gives me the creeps. I already sit on my ass in the house all fucking day most days because of fucking AS. If I ate more at this activity level I would be OBESE! No. I have to continue on this path. But no one can find out. No one.

I just wish I had a friend who I could compare notes with, you know? Set goals and fast together. My friend K had an ED a couple years ago, but she is recovered. The selfish part of me wants to ask her for tips, to ask her to help me, but I'm afraid that she might fall back into it. She doesn't need to. She's taller then me and weighs less.

I am lonely though. I'm trying to pray more, to listen to Christian music when I do physical therapy or am falling asleep. I try to remember that even though I hate myself and what I have become Jesus still loves me.

So here's to the day's goals:

1. Eat less than 500 calories
2. Do physical therapy exercises and more until cry from pain
3. Go to bed hungry
4. Keep eating habits a secret!

With any luck I will be down a pound (or really as many as humanly possible haha) tomorrow morning.