Thin

I just watched the HBO documentary "Thin" for the second time. It's crazy, because I totally identify with those women. Everything that they're saying makes so much sense. Some of the women (like Jennifer) had been struggling with their ED for ten years!! I can't imagine being in this hell for that long. Wow. I've really been thinking a lot about treatment lately and researching different facilities online. There are so many options. I want to go into a residential program at some point, but I NEED to get to my GW of 100 lbs first!!!! Is that crazy? I want help but only after I've lost a certain amount of weight? (14.5 more lbs to lose as of this morning) It's a control thing again. I know that in recovery I will lose my control over my ED (or at least the control I THINK I have) and I want to be in control right to the point of walking in the doors of treatment.

I lied to my mom today, said I had gained weight and was back at 120 to get her off my freaking back. She believed me thank god. I also had therapy with CD today...we talked about control, but no mention of food. I'm not telling her. Because ana is MINE. I know I've said that before, but I really feel like it is the only constant in my life. I can't let go of that.

I leave for my grandma's house in the morning. My biggest fear is...WHAT IF SHE DOESN'T HAVE A SCALE????? Holy shit I would take drastic measures if that were the case. But anyways, J and I are doing a 2323. Today was 200...I went 21 calories over. Mad at myself, but ok with it to some point. As soon as I get to my grandma's house it will be easy to hide my ED in the chaos that 14 people make around a dinner table. And I will NOT be sitting next to or near my parents, I guarantee you that! :)

Maybe I will allow myself one special treat on Christmas. One. Maybe. If I've been good.

I have this crazy plan. I will set my alarm for 4:30 am. I'll get up and go for a run, come back, get a shower, and say I couldn't sleep that's why I was up so early. Then when I'm hurting so bad I can't walk (inevitable due to the consequences of running when my body can't take the strain) I get to have meals brought to my room where I can C&S and hide the food instead of eating! Yay!

We'll see how that plays out...