Disbelief

I don't even know where to begin. I weigh 117.5 pounds. I have gained back 5 pounds. 5! I am so fat. So disgusting.

I walked into the kitchen this morning and my dad poked my stomach and was like, "You look so skinny." HAHA! As if! I feel like I am a complete and utter failure. All I have had all day is 30 cals worth of grapefruit juice. And I still feel bloated and disgusting.

I didn't even add up the calories I ate yesterday. Between the muffin half and my mini sushi binge last night...God. Why can't I do anything right? I was good at this! I was good at losing weight! I've lost 20 pounds total! SO WHY THE FUCK AM I SUDDENLY BAD AT THIS AND AM GAINING WEIGHT? I am going to be such a fat cow.

And...I finally said the words out loud to myself in the mirror this morning. I looked at my lard-ass self and said, "I have an eating disorder."

Not that it changes the way I feel about myself and my body or that I still am going to continue on this path. But I think it was important to say it out loud instead of just thinking it.

I don't know what to do. I feel...hopeless. Like nothing will ever be good again.